Who do you think gets the chicks?
Calvin: Yo fellow slave!
Raj: Waddup dawg?
Calvin: Waddup dawg? Seriously? Goodness gracious! Will someone throw his guy a funny bone or something?
Calvin: Anyways. See that fat dude on TV? The one with the blue shirt on?
Raj: Yea. What bout him?
Calvin: I’ll give you half my bacon treats if you can become like him in 2 months.
Raj: As tempting as the prize is, I’m going to have to say no ‘cos gaining that much fat would be extremely hard work.
Calvin: Lol! What? Gaining fat is hard?
Raj: Look at that dude! I’d have to gain a good 40-50 lbs to look like him. That’s not easy.
Calvin: What? Sexy man boobs and wiener-hiding belly is hard work?! Come on! It’s easy to get fat!
Raj: You don’t know what you’re talking about. Why don’t you get back to fixing your hair for your date with Peanut this evening?
Calvin: Alright alright. Let’s talk numbers for a second. One pound of fat has, what, 3500 calories?
Raj: How on earth did you know that?
Calvin: Christ! This is all you talk about! It’s either this or stupid real food or lifting the dead!
Raj: You mean dead-lifting.
Calvin: Tomaeto tomaato! So how many calories for 50 lbs?
Raj: You know so much. Do the math.
Calvin: I’m a dog. I don’t do math. Kinda why I live stress free.
Raj: Fine. That’s 175,000 calories.
Calvin: Ok if you have to gain 50 lbs in 2 months, how many additional calories per day is that?
Raj: About 3000 calories in addition to my usual food.
Calvin: You call yourself a big eater and whine for this? Suck it up and feed! 3000 calories can’t be that much.
Raj: Well, 3000 calories is about 2 large pizzas or 3 giant burgers or 5 pints of ice cream.
Calvin: Damn. That does sound like a lot of food to eat everyday on top of your regular calories. But I don’t get it. I see fat humans anywhere and everywhere. If it is so hard to pack on the pounds, how did they do it?
Raj: Well, they did it over a period of time.
Calvin: We all do everything over a period of time dimwit! How long is that?
Raj: Well, it depends. I’d say 2-4 years on an average. That would mean they ate about 200-400 extra calories from possibly bad food everyday for 2+ years.
Calvin: So you’re telling me that ALL these fat humans have consistently been overeating and choosing the wrong foods for more than 2 years?
Raj: And possibly leading sedentary stressed lives.
Raj: Lazy lives.
Calvin: Right. So for 2+ years, millions of humans have been very consistent in being lazy, overeating, stressed and not moving their asses?
Calvin: Impressive! They should really want to get fat to be able to stick to it for so long! What about the ones that email you or ask you for diet advice in person?
Raj: Same deal.
Calvin: Interesting. Cos I don’t think we dogs can do it for more than a coupla days.
Raj: Ever seen fat pets?
Calvin: Let’s move on.
Raj: There’s more?
Calvin: Of course. You got me all confused now.
Raj: Whats the confusion?
Calvin: If it took these folks many many months to gain the fat, why do all these people keep hoping to lose all the fat in a few weeks? It sounds absolutely stupid and I’m a 19 month old dog who can’t do math!
Raj: Well… we humans are greedy. Like you, when Jasson gives you bacon.
Calvin: Stop your stupid ‘Well… Seriously, whats with you and ‘Well….’ ‘So…’ ‘Ummm…’ ‘In an effort to…’?! Your readers don’t complain? Anyways, if putting on 50 lbs took 2+ years, how long does it take to lose those 50 lbs?
Calvin: I thought you were going to write an article and ‘enlighten people’ about that number?
Raj: Yea. I was. Got busy today.
Calvin: Busy picking up my deuces? Cos I swear to God that’s all you did today.
Raj: Shut up and go get your beauty sleep before your date.
Calvin: Yea but all this food talk made me hungry and I don’t want to eat and end up bloated during the date. Mind if I chew on your clothes for a bit?
Raj: Do whatever if you’ll shut up.